You Don't Even Know How Good You Are

          ​Since my early 20s, I have had this image of life at 30. It involved me, with luscious locs, similar to the ones donned by the coolest of my three black female college professors (which is notable since I graduated from a PWI). In my eyes, she was the epitome of black girl magic. She was a free spirited, perfectly shaped communications professional, who was uninhibited by stereotypes on either side of the coin. Naturally, I framed my ideal 30 year-old self around this woman, who once told me after I had asked if my work was sufficient, “You don’t even know how good you are.”  Over the years, I would come back to remember those words and wonder what they really meant and if they were true. 

Like most unfulfilled folks in their late 20s, I was already bubbling over the edge of depression as my self-imposed 30 year deadline for success steadily approached. The stale taste of struggle ambition had become the main course of my mediocre life. I didn’t seem to be anywhere close to the 30 year old image that I had of myself and it seemed like I may have been getting even further away. The only foresight I exercised was starting my locs a year beforehand so they’d be a decent length as I entered this “exciting” new phase of my life. 

By my calculations, I had taken all the correct steps on the perceived path to success. Maybe they weren’t in the correct order and way longer than I anticipated, but I eventually followed the rules. I read the books, practiced the meditations, joined the church, graduated from college, even did the occasional yoga… but still, I felt like success had escaped me. All I could see was the “was nots” in my life. I was not working in my field of study. I was not a homeowner or married with children or anywhere close to the prospects of it. 

It had been two years since I decided to move an hour away from most of my friends and family, in hopes of better job opportunities and peace. I thought creating distance between myself and everything I’ve known, would give me the space to embark on what was next in my plan. Except I didn’t really know what was next on my plan. I remember having my life vaguely planned out in my early 20s, but each step towards my plan took, what seemed to be, at least 20 additional steps and several years to achieve. As time passed, my plans changed and my goals shrunk, my anxiety grew and my depression worsened. 

And so, on the eve of my 30th birthday, my former professor’s words rang louder than ever in my ear, “You Don’t Even Know How Good You Are.” I still had not figured out how to know that I was good and what was I good at? Even though my friends were constantly encouraging me and my bosses sang my praises, I did not feel like a success. In fact, I felt severely unhealthy and depressed. At the time I could not see how I could do anything besides barely survive, even though I could not put my finger on just what was holding me down. 

Then the world stopped. The pandemic began changing our lives in ways we never could imagine about one month before my 30th birthday. I was forced into remote work and complete isolation and it broke me. I had no choice but enlist the help of a therapist because I was barely holding on to my job and I could see my life beginning to spiral out of control. 

After months and months of working through my trauma and coping mechanisms, I realized that I’ve been too afraid of my own life. I’ve been too scared of not doing something right or doing more harm than good, or failing and being too concerned about what other people might think of me. These thoughts had caused me crippling anxiety to the point where my life had literally stalled. I was at the point where the things I wanted to do and be in life were all completely attainable with the proper amount of effort and dedication, yet I hadn’t been putting in the effort. 

As ashamed as I am to admit that, especially publicly, I think it might be helpful to someone out there who is also struggling with their purpose and lack of drive to accomplish it. Perhaps, considering that the root cause of the anxiousness behind following some of your goals lies in your complete fear of your own self. The fear that who others think you are won’t live up to who you actually are if you ever decided to try to live to your full potential. 

I told this guy that I feared death because there were still so many things I wanted to accomplish. He told me very simply that I lived in a paradox because I would never be able to accomplish the things that I wanted until I released the fear of death. For whatever reason, that was the moment this all clicked for me. It made perfect sense that my life would not be able to move forward until I released the fear of death… social death, physical, mental and spiritual death. Fear was the only thing holding me back. 

Even if you zoom the lens of life into more manageable topics like accomplishing your goals, the sentiment still applies. If you fear failing at your goal, you’ll never be able to accomplish it and you’ll never achieve the happiness that you seek. Once I realized that, the options become quite clear, do the damn thing or suffer for the rest of your life. Even if the thing you do leads to your ultimate embarrassment and dejection from society, you are still one step closer to happiness than you were the day before. At least then you’ll be doing something about your life, you’ll be utilizing the only amount of control you actually have in this life. 

Because at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about… control. We want to be able to control how people will react to our exposed soul. We want to be able to freely express ourselves but simultaneously be accepted by everyone who experiences us. Of course, this is a completely unrealistic notion for the same reason we want to express ourselves. We’re different and unique because our own outlook of the world is based on our own unique genetic makeup and experiences. There are few people in the world that will 100% agree with everything that we believe. There will always be people who are going to disagree with our opinions, and perhaps even dislike us because of our opinion. 
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But does that mean we should censor ourselves and not show up as the most confident version of ourselves? As individuals experiencing the most precious gift of life, we owe it to ourselves to live at our maximum potential, which includes living with full confidence and believing in what we have to share with the world. We can’t control the reactions of others or how we will feel about their reactions. We can control our own actions and find peace knowing that we did everything within our own power to manifest our idea of a beautiful life. It’s time to not only know, but embrace how good you are!

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